she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
