I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
it's like heaven, but drunker
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
