literally had 100 drinks last night.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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