no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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