Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You've changed since you got that strap on
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
