just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
