i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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