ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My vagina is officially offended.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
