I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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