I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
