Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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