her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
