mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
