Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I think my moral compass just broke
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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