The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
