Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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