great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
