one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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