I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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