well I can't set my house on fire every night
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
