He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
