You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
