Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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