She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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