its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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