I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
