I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
