Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
