No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
