I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
