Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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