Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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