just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
