Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
