You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
