I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
it's like iHOP with fire
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
