the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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