why didn't you poke me back
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Actions speak louder than pants.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
