I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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