Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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