Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
