dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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