Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
