i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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