That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
