Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
