I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
