Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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