Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
