I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We got so high we made milksteak
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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